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Get Yer Nuts Off

nut1.jpg (3724 bytes)

Okay, back to square one, this article is for the benefit o’ those persons to whom the above is vaguely familiar, havin’ seem many of them on your bike you will, at some point, come tae the harsh realisation that you will have tae remove one (or more) o’ them.

Things called bolts usually go along with them, they have similar heads ‘cept hex, spline and torx, but that’s another universe.

Most of the abuse you can give a nut ye can also lavish on a bolt.

So, tae facilitate such removal ye’ll need a thing called a “tool“. Curiously absent from shed’s an’ lockups of

some bike owners.

Below are pictures and modus operandi of the item/s you will need in order of preference and effectiveness, if you are uncertain about what to ask for at the tool shop then find your nearest tool shop, buy a suitably long mains extension and take your PC to the shop to show them the picture and say “I want one of them Mister”

Categorised Into Levels Of Desperation

The tools required

Socket

SocketOkay, the socket, these are good at removing nuts, usually causing the least damage unless ye leave loads o’ them lying on the shed floor where you’ll step on them and fall on yer arse smacking yer hied on the handlebars of yer bike in the process.

The best ones have lots of pointy bits inside, don’t skimp on these coz shite one’s will really piss you off in the end.

Ratchet Handle

RatShit This is a handle wot can be used with the above, the sides of sockets are generally smooth so unless the nut is really loose already grasping the socket between finger and thumb just won’t cut it, this is when to use a handle.

Socket Extension

Extension This is used in conjunction with the above, put between the handle and the socket. useful when the nut is buried in the depths o’ the framework, otherwise just hold the handle and socket nearer the nut.

Mind Yer Knuckles

Open Ended Spanner  Sometimes you find that you just havenae got enough room tae swing a cat never mind get a socket intae the nut, so a spanner may be used in this instance. This is an “open ender”, as in the common phrase “giesanopenender”, use of this word will give the impression to others that you know what you’re doin’.

The drawback with these “open enders” (see, ye think ah know whit am talkin’ aboot already) is that although the nut may require a 12mm (mm=mil, taken from the latin “milixa ecce thorax”, meaning “nearly fits”) when you use a 12mm “open ender” (you’ll know ’cause some kind taiwanese gentleman will have imprinted the number twelve into the cheese from which the spanner is fashioned) on a nut wot is very tight you may find that the spanner will become possessed by a demonic force which will cause it to suddenly and without warning assume a trajectory which will put your knuckle on a collision course with the sharpest available bit of your bike. Then you’ll need a large bin bag tae pick up all the expletives lying aboot on the floor.

Better !

Combination Spanner This spanner has an “open ender” at one end and a round hole at the other wot coincedently fits over the nut in question.

This is called a “ringer” as in “haunusaringer” so named ’cause when ye hit a metal thing with it it goes rrrriiiiinnnnggggg.

Use of a ringer as opposed to an open ender has the added benefit of being less likely to remove your flesh from your body.

If ye buy one, make sure it's a Bahco

Adjustable Spanner

Otherwise know as a “cannaebearsedwalkinovertaethetoolbox” spanner or a “shifter”. These are ok (sometimes) .

Providing you’ve got a good one and you use it the right way round then it can be effective, however poor use and a crap spanner will no doubt cause the same results as an open ender. If ye buy one then buy a “Bahco”

Leave These Tae The Plumbers

Plumbers Pipe Wrench If this is all ye’ve got in yer toolbox then perhaps ye shouldn’t really be messin’ around wi’ yer bike.

A Bangin' And A .....

Hammer Also Known By The Acronym BFH…….(Big Fuggin Hammer)

As far as removing nuts is concerned, this is really an

accessory. It can help in several ways

  • a smart blow to the top of a stuck bolt may help loosen thethreads,
  • a smart blow to the head of the eejit wot tightened the nut uptoo tight and didn’t put coppaslip on it.
  • In cases where the nut just won’t move, swing it about yourhead in a fit of manaical laughter and generally hit anything within stiking distance,always makes ye feel better.
Mincer

Mole Grips Known as “moleys”Can be classified as last resort material. It will often aid the magical transition of tuning the nut faces into nut faeces.

Careful use can get results, as long as ye don’t ever want tae use the nut again !

Useful

Hacksaw Useful if you have enough space to use it, “hack” the end off the nut

Guaranteed Satisfaction

Angle Grinder For when you have really had enough and you just have to positively absolutely totally and utterly get the mutherfuckinsonofabitch bolt/nut off right fuckin’ NOW.

A joy to use, and excellent therapy. Has many other uses in beautifying stock bikes.

Right Monty where’s that Bandit o’ yours ?

Useless !

Wood Saw Completely fuckin’ useless ‘cept when it all get’s too much and is used for cutting wood to build a fire under the bike and burn the bastard.

OR

Aw Fuck It !

One Of These

Not generally found in yer average garage, but when the shit hits the fan and you have had it up to here, then do it and go tae the pub.

Worry about the remorse later.

So there ye have it, Auld Faither McDoughnut’s Guide Tae playin’ wi yer nuts. Have fun, I’m off tae the pub.

And as ma auld Faither used tae say

“It’s just a matter of knowin’ where and how hard tae hit it”.

Good Luck