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Tam sits proudly astride his new beast, just before pushing all the way down the hill, trying to start it.     This is Tam’s Mz , it’s actually quite smart and proves that you don’t need loadsa dosh to get a bike on the road, just loadsa patience from Marty.

Dismantled in various tupperware containers it was discovered when the Berlin Wall was pulled down some years back. Each part perfectly preserved by the family of Stoats that had made the boxes thier home. Having successfully entered the small animals into the “Stoat relocation progam” the reconstruction could begin.

Having previously failed an MOT, Tam’s dismay led to relief when he amputated the testers leg and fashioned quite a smart saddle from it. Took a while for the smell to die down but the application of Stoat faeces left over in the tupperware did the trick.   Having dismantled an old trabant that Tam found amongst some belly button fluff when in the bath, the total amount of metal parts left was just enough to form this sissy bar/mudguard stay assembly, welded with a toothpick and some of his auntie betty’s finest fruit preserve.

The Trabant exhaust system was pressed into service as a suitable “spannie” giving it that authentic eastern bloc ringy ding ding ding. The inherent stopping power was beefed up by the application of evostick and some 12mm MDF to the brake shoes, this reduced the stopping distance from “never” to “not”. The piston was replaced with a High compression “Hartleys” 200g “prunes in aspic” tin, the crank was baked in an oven at Gas Mark 4 for 20 mins, turning half way through and glazed with milk or the white of an eye. The battery which was U/S was replaced with a small white loaf, the coil was uprated by putting it on top of the carb, it had been lower down before so the HT pulse was losing power getting up the inclined HT Lead. “Gravity Assisted Get Along The HT Lead More Easily System” or GAGTHLMES for short.

The Frame was modified by Tam who has a stressed member, at least until the engine went in. The Thick wire covered in Alcan Foil wound round a table leg made a convincing shock absorber, only lagging the latest Ohlins by the lack of a sub-rebound wasteyerchuffintimefeckinwithit adjustment screw. A coating of Cherry Satin Black Shoe polish put the finishing touches. All in all a fine steed, capable of seeing a Fireblade off (in charisma at least) it returns a healthy 73.4 mpg with a top speed of 130 knots with a following wind.